The Ninth Layer Of Hell

In the Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri describes Hell in various layers. The farther down you get, the worse the sins get. For instance, the Ninth layer of Hell was meant for those most malicious of sins.

How right he was... I, however, would like to add bit of detail to the description of that last layer. For the very actual purpose is crystal clear to me. Let me know enlighten you, the reader, so that you may steer away from this place reserved for the doomed and the damned. The Ninth layer of Hell is reserved for one thing, and one thing only...

Leafblowers!!!

Every goddamn morning, I'm being pulled from my dreams by the sound of these blasted, devilish machines! The sound of Death, is what it is! It starts out slowly, and innocent. Government workers are cleaning the streets, in the background. Useful? Maybe. With good intentions? Probably.

But then it starts... The vicious monsters draw nearer and nearer. Your souls tell your body to wake up, for this must indeed be great evil approaching. Still drunk with sleep you stand up and walk to your window, only to lay your eyes upon the wretched evil that are leafblowers. The sound it produces... I'm certain that if you would record it, the spectogram would paint an ugly, twisted painting of your disturbed sleep.

Let's analyze the reason for why these leafblowers roam our lands.

Reason: They clean the streets of leaves.

Do they? Nay, citizens, they do not! The government, in it's Orwellian-Machiavellian spirit lies to you.

The leaves are blow unto the road, so that the gutter stays clear. Logical, right? But spot, if you will, the fault in this plan. One car drives by and the damn leaves are back in the gutter! But in this case, we can at least follow the general train of thoughts the big wigs in the government must've had. But now unto the next puzzle. You know those lines of shopping carts at the super market? You pop in a coin, do your groceries, place it back in the line and get your coin back (unless you cheated, in which case the "coin" maybe get stuck, effectively destroying the shopping cart infra-structure, all because you cheated). Are these lines the middle of an big wide open space? No, they are against the wall...

Somebody explain to me, then, why the Hell (see the general theme on this post yet?), these asshole blow leaves away from behind the damned shopping cart line!!


Some government building, Interior, Day
A man walks in, clearly in despair. He's foaming at the mouth, and the other government officials look scared.

Official #1: "Dear me, are you quite alright, sir?"

Man: "The-- The leaves... The-- The leaves!!"

Official #2: "What about the leaves? We have leafblowers, that clean our streets."

Man: "N-No... No streets. No streets! They are moving on... The leaves are...behind..." *swallows, and wipes the sweat from his brow* "Th-they are b-behind the shopping cart line!!!"

Official #1: "No! The horror!"

Official #2: "No, that's impossible! Nooooo!!!!" *blows his brains out*

Official #3 (having been promoted to the position of Official #2, by reason of suicide): "We're doomed! Leaves behind the shopping cart line, oh dear God, it's the Apocalypse! We didn't listen!"

Official #1: "Leaves behind the shopping cart... Gentlemen... This is how a nation dies..."



So, they are A. useless. B. expensive. C. wasteful (them suckers ain't runnin' on water!). D. useless. E. mind-bogingly annoying. F. useless.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I call for action! Shed the illusion that hath befouled you...and kick a leafblower in the nuts when you see one ;).


--


Lyric of the day: "Fuck man, I'm on a boat, mothafucka!" - The Lonely Island - I'm On A Boat
Excited about: Very, very successfully completing my internship! Evaluation was one hour of sheer ego boosting! Getting my iPod Touch (it can arrive today!).
Pissed off about: My wrists, still... And leafblowers, LOL! Slow pokes at school.
Looking forward to: Jamming with Sietze, that guy has to call me back! Teaching my writing class in June!
Listening to: Konk, by The Kooks. I actually bought it now. Very nice, I think this is a group that will age very well (more on that later).